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  1. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - Whitcoulls
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It can lead to feelings of hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, unworthiness, self-pity, and damages your relationship with them. They become focused on self-preservation, and away from problem-solving. Physical punishment also may encourage violent behavior in turn. This requires a shift in attitude — and maybe a leap of faith that this will work.

Stop seeing the other person as a problem in need of correction, or that they are trying to take advantage of us somehow, or that we always have the right answer. Neither of us is enemies, victims, bullies, competitors. Focus your energy on finding solutions that work for both sides and respect each person as individuals, give them tools and engage them in problem solving.

We are helping others into a more productive mindset, helping them reflect on their mistake, think about how to fix it, and do better next time. By giving people a way to make amends, it effectively gives them a ritualistic way to restore good feelings about themselves and their standing within the relationship.

Note that saying sorry is not sufficient — it is not an excuse to do the behavior again, remorse must accompany behavior change. Sometimes if you are giving the other person choices, it may feel like a forced choice, or a veiled threat. Allow them the chance to come up with their own choices instead or sometimes offer an open-ended choice from the start. You may need to acknowledge their negative reactions and feelings before they will be receptive to any choices.

Punishment is a deliberate infliction or deprivation by another party, whereas consequences are the natural results of behavior, essentially reality itself providing feedback. You cannot rush the process of talking about feelings, until the parties feel understood it cannot proceed effectively. Try to keep your own expression of feelings as short and clear as possible. Let the other person come up with the first few ideas. Do not attempt to evaluate any ideas until everything has been written down — even unlikely ideas can lead to other creative solutions.

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When evaluating ideas, do not use put-down statements, instead talk about your reaction to them. Do not include consequences for failure as part of the problem-solving process.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - Whitcoulls

Ensure follow-through by making a concrete plan. Focus on the future, not the past wrongdoings of either side. You may need to repeat things more than once. If others are going through this process, avoid coming in and implementing a solution, let them work through it themselves.

Note that problems can be solved at any step along the way, you may not need to do the whole process every time. Also note that an immediate solution is not always obvious. Going away from the problem and coming back to it can sometimes trigger the solution. Life is about continual readjustment, no solutions are going to be permanent. Help the other party to see themselves as part of the process of generating solutions. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and try to better understand what needs the behavior is serving. Allow people to do things for themselves, wrestle with their own problems, and learn from their own mistakes.

The skills explained to date all help others see themselves as separate, responsible, competent people.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen

Opportunities to encourage autonomy present themselves every day — every small choice gives them a chance to exert control over their own lives. It is always hard to do something new. Telling people that something is easy is setting them up for feeling bad about failure. Listening with curiosity will help people open up naturally, without questioning. You can always tell someone you are open to talking, or observing that they look upset, and letting them choose to open up or not.

We are tempted to reflexively answer questions. Instead, see yourself as a sounding board for exploring thoughts, you can always answer a question directly later on. We are all embedded in a larger world, there are valuable resources waiting to be tapped, show them what is available for their use.

Protecting people from disappointment will also protect them from striving, having dreams, hoping. Even just talking about dreams can be enough to feel satisfied. Note that it may be difficult to encourage autonomy from ourselves.

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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

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